P.S.

RUNNING IN THE SAND IS TOUGH. Doing lunges in the sand is even tougher.

Sitting down is a long process today. :) No pain no gain?

We'll see.

LIFE or something like it.

We went to the Puyallup Spring Fair. This completely unflattering picture was taken while we were on The Scrambler. It was fun day but soooo cold!

I like the happiness on our faces.

I've been thinking a lot lately about growing up and the way it affected my eating habits today. I had a stepdad who thought any time I was in a bad mood it meant that I must be hungry. I even recall a time when my family was driving around one evening and he literally threw a McDonalds cheese burger at me in the backseat and told me to eat it. I think this one situation and many more like it were part of the reason it took me a long time to feel hunger or fullness. I also come from a family that just likes to eat something because its good. NOT because we're hungry. My cousin and I were at my grandparents one day years ago and my grandma came in and asked us if we were hungry. We both said no then she said "would you like a crab coctail?" and we quickly said yes.

I do not consider myself an emotional eater fully but I think I have some aspects of that. I also am very guilty of eating just because its good- especially when it comes to dessert!

This week I have been trying to focus on how I feel at different times of the day in regards to eating. I tend to do really well all day- especially at work. Its dinner time thats the hardest for me.

Crazy Crazy.. will write again soon.

Bad decision.

Went to the movies on an empty stomach. I ate popcorn.

Bad day =Bad decisions!

And whats even worse?? I am not even full.

I should stop. Not in a good enough mood for blogging!

Ditched,

Jessie

If things were different...

I've thought a lot about Jacob today. I went through and read over our last email conversation we had 3 days before his death. It was such a simple conversation about mostly his hair... Its funny to think the last thing I ever said to him was "if you are going to get cornrows make sure you get it done by a professional...:) " We had just talked back and forth about him being home from Australia and how life is really the same even though 10 months had passed... and he was excited to return to Australia for a couple months once his wisdom teeth were out.

And just two days later he died. Death is just wierd. My mind still doesn't get it or maybe it just doesn't want to. It's wierd that its a new year and its one he did not live in.

Its just not right or fair or anything that makes sense. Its only sad.

and if things were different he would have not missed last weekend's Fremont Cystic Fibrosis pub crawl for the world. I would have heard his crazy laugh outside the Red Door. I would not have had to take a prarie fire shot in his memory.

Engagement Photo Fun :)

We spent about an hour last Saturday with our photographer Amy Walton- in the misty RAIN at Golden Gardens. Despite the questionable weather- all had fun and she did AN AMAZING job. Just in case you're needing a photographer for anything- check her out:

http://www.amywaltonphotography.com/-/amywaltonphotography/default.asp

You can dream about it every now and then but you can't go home again...

My mom really likes this song called Flies on the Butter- I think its by one of the Judds... one of the lines in that very song is the title of this blog. Its a sad song; someone looking back to a time in their life they can only dream of now.

Sometimes I do this and it feels great because our dreams, our memories are all we have left. I have dreamed of Jacob only once since his death. In the dream he knew he had died. It was simple...we were just moving his couch and talking about nothing. It was nice to look at him even if only in my dreams. Are memories really set in stone? Will I one day not remember what his laugh sounded like? Will I forget the faces he made when I did something he thought was wierd? I just don't know.

Like I have mentioned before, the grief over Jacob has exceeded the joy in the rest of my life. I am finally getting a balance to this. I finally stopped feeling guilty for grieving. I can't help that his death and my engagement happened so close together. There would have never been a good time for this awful thing to happen to him. I look ahead into my future.. holding close to my heart my past but keeping my focus on today..on tomorrow. Embracing the gift of time.

I am only months away from becoming Mrs. Mark James Underwood. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this. I don't think I really believed I would ever find someone that could really love me. Its wonderful being with the person you know was made for you! He actually gets HERE TOMORROW :) I can't wait. We haven't seen eachother in two months. He'll be here working and we'll hopefully gets lots of the wedding stuff all squared away. I am confidant that us being near eachother again will help me get through this time of loss and sadness I feel. He is my star on this dark cloudy long night. I love him more than words could begin to describe.

More from December and January in England.

We attempted taking our own photos to be used in our fun save the date cards :)

It was interesting!

and very fun!

This is the church we'll have our England wedding at. Its not going to be a proper wedding- just a church blessing and vows since we'll already be married :)
Its in the town of Slaidburn. The church is over 1,000 years old. I absolutley love it!