Life changes in an instant.

My grandpa on my mom's side had a stroke yesterday. I don't have much time to write now but just in case anyone reads this please pray for us... send us your good thoughts....

All of our 26th Birthdays.

Many of those around me have celebrated their 26th birthdays this year including myself and Mark. When it comes to my own birthday I'd rather not make a big deal about it. For Mark's birthday I was here and he was in England :( I look forward to spending many more of our birthdays together.

Last night 8 of us celebrated Jacob's 26th birthday only he wasn't there with us. As Dan said as we toasted to him- "A great night without a great person." Its true. The night was overall very good. The highlight for me being the ping pong. Two years ago yesterday I took Jacob on in a few games of ping pong following a wonderful Italian dinner... Last night the 8 of us recreated that night. The day felt different than I expected... I've reflected a lot on the part of his life that I knew and what runs through my head over and over is that it was a life well lived. Even though it was cut terribly short... he lived a little over 25 years very well.

Life is fleeting isn't it? There is no guarantee that any of us will be here tomorrow.... So I'll try to live my life well. I tend to get bogged down with little things when in the big picture the only thing that matters are the people around you, the people that love you... Isn't it sad that it takes death for me to realize this simple but HUGE truth?

Time marches on.

It has been 9 months since Jacob Dillow was alive. Its 15 days until his birthday. I feel like I am waiting for something that won't come. Its a cross between anticipation and worry. It feels like dread. I don't know what his birthday is supposed to change for me but I feel like it will do something. Good or bad I am not sure.

Death is wierd; you never know how you'll handle it or when paired with guilt... there are not words.

It has been over a year since I've seen or talked to my stepdad. The closer it gets to my wedding the more real his absense becomes and he's alive. You'd think there was something I could do about this one but there isn't.

I am 3 months from moving out of the US... Its one of those times when I long for another point in my life because I want to hang onto something, I want it to be two years ago, the best summer I ever had. I also long for the future because I'm ready to be in England with my future husband... Why can't I focus on right this minute? This minute is hard and uncomfortable and lonely and I can't figure out how to get out of the feelings I have.