My mom really likes this song called Flies on the Butter- I think its by one of the Judds... one of the lines in that very song is the title of this blog. Its a sad song; someone looking back to a time in their life they can only dream of now.
Sometimes I do this and it feels great because our dreams, our memories are all we have left. I have dreamed of Jacob only once since his death. In the dream he knew he had died. It was simple...we were just moving his couch and talking about nothing. It was nice to look at him even if only in my dreams. Are memories really set in stone? Will I one day not remember what his laugh sounded like? Will I forget the faces he made when I did something he thought was wierd? I just don't know.
Like I have mentioned before, the grief over Jacob has exceeded the joy in the rest of my life. I am finally getting a balance to this. I finally stopped feeling guilty for grieving. I can't help that his death and my engagement happened so close together. There would have never been a good time for this awful thing to happen to him. I look ahead into my future.. holding close to my heart my past but keeping my focus on today..on tomorrow. Embracing the gift of time.
I am only months away from becoming Mrs. Mark James Underwood. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this. I don't think I really believed I would ever find someone that could really love
me. Its wonderful being with the person you know was made for you! He actually gets HERE TOMORROW :) I can't wait. We haven't seen eachother in two months. He'll be here working and we'll hopefully gets lots of the wedding stuff all squared away. I am confidant that us being near eachother again will help me get through this time of loss and sadness I feel. He is my star on this dark cloudy long night. I love him more than words could begin to describe.
