If things were different...

I've thought a lot about Jacob today. I went through and read over our last email conversation we had 3 days before his death. It was such a simple conversation about mostly his hair... Its funny to think the last thing I ever said to him was "if you are going to get cornrows make sure you get it done by a professional...:) " We had just talked back and forth about him being home from Australia and how life is really the same even though 10 months had passed... and he was excited to return to Australia for a couple months once his wisdom teeth were out.

And just two days later he died. Death is just wierd. My mind still doesn't get it or maybe it just doesn't want to. It's wierd that its a new year and its one he did not live in.

Its just not right or fair or anything that makes sense. Its only sad.

and if things were different he would have not missed last weekend's Fremont Cystic Fibrosis pub crawl for the world. I would have heard his crazy laugh outside the Red Door. I would not have had to take a prarie fire shot in his memory.

Engagement Photo Fun :)

We spent about an hour last Saturday with our photographer Amy Walton- in the misty RAIN at Golden Gardens. Despite the questionable weather- all had fun and she did AN AMAZING job. Just in case you're needing a photographer for anything- check her out:

http://www.amywaltonphotography.com/-/amywaltonphotography/default.asp

You can dream about it every now and then but you can't go home again...

My mom really likes this song called Flies on the Butter- I think its by one of the Judds... one of the lines in that very song is the title of this blog. Its a sad song; someone looking back to a time in their life they can only dream of now.

Sometimes I do this and it feels great because our dreams, our memories are all we have left. I have dreamed of Jacob only once since his death. In the dream he knew he had died. It was simple...we were just moving his couch and talking about nothing. It was nice to look at him even if only in my dreams. Are memories really set in stone? Will I one day not remember what his laugh sounded like? Will I forget the faces he made when I did something he thought was wierd? I just don't know.

Like I have mentioned before, the grief over Jacob has exceeded the joy in the rest of my life. I am finally getting a balance to this. I finally stopped feeling guilty for grieving. I can't help that his death and my engagement happened so close together. There would have never been a good time for this awful thing to happen to him. I look ahead into my future.. holding close to my heart my past but keeping my focus on today..on tomorrow. Embracing the gift of time.

I am only months away from becoming Mrs. Mark James Underwood. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about this. I don't think I really believed I would ever find someone that could really love me. Its wonderful being with the person you know was made for you! He actually gets HERE TOMORROW :) I can't wait. We haven't seen eachother in two months. He'll be here working and we'll hopefully gets lots of the wedding stuff all squared away. I am confidant that us being near eachother again will help me get through this time of loss and sadness I feel. He is my star on this dark cloudy long night. I love him more than words could begin to describe.

More from December and January in England.

We attempted taking our own photos to be used in our fun save the date cards :)

It was interesting!

and very fun!

This is the church we'll have our England wedding at. Its not going to be a proper wedding- just a church blessing and vows since we'll already be married :)
Its in the town of Slaidburn. The church is over 1,000 years old. I absolutley love it!

Christmas in England

We started off the day wearing our new winter accessories Linda bought us :)
Here is the family around the fancy Christmas table- you'll see it all clean shortly! Don't you love our 2008 glasses :)

After you get up and have some family time someone hosts everyone over for drinks- either beer or something like a mimosa. I don't know how to spell it so I won't even try. Then, we all go to the pub until its time for Christmas lunch. The picture above is at Matt and Rachel's house- they hosted this year.

There is a "Cracker" on every plate- two people pull on opposite ends and it pops! Inside are these hats and a silly little toy. I liked the hats!

Above is the fancy Christmas table :)

More to come soon!

To everything there IS a season...

My first post LIVE from England :) I am only two days away from heading back to the US. Mark has been back at work since last Wednesday so that has left me with a lot of alone time for my own thoughts. Dangerous? YES.

I will post again with pictures soon. Mark lost the lead for the camera so we'll have to take the camera in somewhere and put the pics on a disk. So all you see for now is us on New Years Eve.

I titled this "To everything there is a season" because this statement has been reinforced in my life recently. I attribute my rediscovery of this simple truth to a book I read early in my trip. It's titled Eat Pray Love and is written by Elizabeth Gilbert. I highly recommend you read it. Its about a woman who "sets out to examine three different cultures: pleasure in Italy, devotion in India, and on the Indonesian island of Bali, a balance of wordly enjoyment and divine transcendence." She sets out on this journey after an ugly divorce and depression. As I read I started to realize I could relate, and not to the fun parts of the book but the parts that talked about depression. I had to finally accept what I've been feeling so that I can work through it!

ENOUGH about that. This past month has been a season of barely ANY exercise I am sad to say. Well, it was actually quite nice not having to worry about that while on vacation but since I am in the land where you can't get fat free milk and near a nana who makes the best toffee sauce ever..my waist line is really the sad one. However, I am feeling better finally- I had a 10 day cough/cold/flu thing and am ready to take on the exercise world again. I'll show my waistline whose boss again ;) Afterall, I am getting married in 10 months, this is NOT the time for extra weight. I start my Healthy Bride program next week :) I will be working out with a group of women- the only requirement being you have to be IN a wedding to join. Its a way to work while being around people who won't get annoyed when ALL you talk about is your wedding!

Christmas was very nice. His family traditions are different from mine so that was fun to experience. I will explain more when I have pictures, its more fun with the visual aids.

We booked our church for the blessing in England. Its over 1,000 years old..its going to be beautiful. I am pretty lucky that I get to wear my wedding dress twice! We'll have the Seattle festivities on October 4th and the England ones just two weeks later. One wedding, honeymoon, then second blessing and reception. Will be FUN :)

I will write again soon! Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season.

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

In a little over an hour I went from this beautiful (slightly annoying for a commute) winter wonderland to rainy snowless Seattle.

I am only 10 days away from my month long trip to England! I cannot wait! We've got all sorts of Christmas parties to attend- some for his work, one for his dad's work, and many family gatherings. It will by my first "Boxing Day" event as well. A day I still don't quite understand. The month will also be packed with wedding plans. We're going to meet with the church vicar where we will be having a blessing after our wedding here. Speaking of that- Our wedding will be:

October 4th, 2008 at The Canal in Ballard, Wa.

More details, save the date cards, and invitations coming soon :)

A few things have changed since I last blogged. My old office, where I did vision therapy, came into a bind and needed someone to help. They offered me enough money that I decided to go back there just two days a week until the end of March. That leaves me working 4 days downtown Seattle at my main job, the one I LOVE, and two days back in Lynnwood. Its already been VERY interesting but with an upcoming wedding, making extra money is not a bad idea.

Besides working a lot I plan to spend the next year taking in all that is around me.... family, friends, Seattle...everything I have known my entire life. Since October 4th marks the beginning of my life in England, I want to spend the next year not taking for granted anything or anyone. If there is one thing I have learned in the past months, especially after Jacob's death, is that life is fleeting. At any given moment something can change drastically... Death is not the only thing that has taught me that this year. Our family is having a hard time with the holidays... we have three people missing. One from a death and two from impending divorce. Unfortunetly, one of those divorces is in my own home. While I know we'll make it and the first year is maybe the hardest..its hard not to think back with regret. If I had known last year were it for our little 5 part family, I would have been different. I don't want to say that a year from now... I want to have no regrets no matter what happens.

Its funny how life is as you get older... I used to long for this stage of life and now I can't help but miss the days that were far less complicated.

Will write again soon..most likely from England.